Anwar Guilty

I am usually the person who do not care about "big" things like Election and etc. I know about it, I check on the results, but nothing touches my heart. I know election has a very big impact onto our nations and bla bla bla but what else can we do besides casting our votes and watching the "magic show" while waiting for the results. 

BUT THIS TIME! THIS TIME I FEEL THE PAIN IN MY HEART

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/malaysia/article/anwar-guilty

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/malaysia/article/no-child-would-ever-want-to-go-through-this-says-nurul-izzah

I realised it is no longer a big thing where small people like me cannot do anything for the change. I used to think it is "none of my business" because I looked down at myself, my capabilities and also my maturity. Yes, those were excuses that I had been giving myself when I was still a student because I was still in the comfort bubble zone. When I start working, I realised how much the government can influence us in all manners. 

Aside from economy matters, 

1. Is our country still considered a democratic country where the politicians can use whatever method to punish people whom they think are threats to them? 
2. Is our country still safe when the judge can ignore the science facts and make judgments based on what they think and feel or what have been ordered? 
3. Are you and your loved ones feel secure living under government which rule the country this way? 

We all know this fact, brothers and sisters. We all know. But why are we keeping our mouth shut and let those fighters to fight alone? Don't we want a fair government? Don't we want change? Don't we want Malaysia to be a better country? It is time to stop complaining and stop accepting that is our fate. We, the generation Y are the future leaders of this nation in 10 years time. We need to stand up for this, stand up for the change. What makes you and I stop our act? Because we believe someone else will stand up for us or because we are afraid that the bad things will happen to us? 

I questioned myself if I would choose to:- 

a)  lead my life peacefully and ignore the things happen at the outside world? 

OR

b)  risk my life for the others and better nations?

Once, my answer was definitely A because I am afraid and why would I care and fight for the things when everyone else is doing for it? Isn't that stupid? But think about it, all the current fighters will turn old and pass away one day, who else will fight for our nation, besides US, the genY? 

If you are still afraid, here is what God says: 

Don't be terrified of them, for the LORD your God, a great and awesome God, is among you. (Deuteronomy 7:21)

 

Break Time

This song draws my attention away from my thesis research. 

Not only the tune catches my attention, but the lyrics as well. She is really a great singer! All her songs touch people's hearts and souls. I wish she can find her love soon so that S.H.E. members are all married and face a whole new challenge together. Can't imagine them having babies and bringing them to their concerts to sing together! :) 

這個人已經與我無關 by Hebe

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Anyways, sidetrack for a moment! 

- crap I don't know what I want to say already!-

 

Haiz, my whole mind is fulled of thesis and thesis! Can't wait for all these to finish and able to wear the graduation robe and cap! Well, then the whole new challenge comes which is to find career.
I am excited to receive this challenge yet I am fearful at the same time. How will it be? Can I do well in my job? Am I able to earn enough for myself and etc? Well, God will guide me through the way. Just gotta pray. And He will tell me when is the time to continue my postgraduate studies. :) 

Am I really that bad?

Am I really that bad?

I know that reading is essential but it is totally not my interest. I have tried to love it and I actually finished all the books that I am REALLY interested. I know I am supposed to but...arghh...whatever. Perhaps I am that lousy and incompetent. I may be super bad in this area but I am good in others. Okay whatever, self helplessness. Let me grow mushroom!

My Sticky Notes

This is not really a blog post. I am just transferring all the sticky notes on my desktop to here, so that I can still look at them.

1. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.
We numb vulnerability -- when we're waiting for the call.
You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

     2. The Struggle

1. I WILL NOT pretend like I don't know you. I will continue to be as honest and caring towards you, but choosing to focus on our friendship (which means no "dear", "darling", or any physical touching), but I will still talk to you like normal, I won't pretend like you're a stranger...I cannot.
2. Pretending that I'm someone you just met is impossible (you yourself admitted it). It's just running away, and I don't want you to run away from this, but to face it and for both of us to mature and grow from this (if u choose to run away, know that I will chase you, I WONT GIVE UP on you.)
3. If you are willing to be honest with me again, and treat me/talk to me completely honestly, know that it is the best thing you could ever do for me. And I promise you that I will do all I can to make sure that you never "fall" and "lose control" again. If I feel that we're both losing control, I will stop us immediately (we will just take a break, not talk for 10 mins to calm down first). I WILL DO THIS, (I sat down and really thought about this, and I am sure of it). I WILL BE ABLE TO DO THIS, and I'm sure you will be able to. Together, we will grow and mature and learn to better control our feelings.

      3. My Name

Stephy [ crown & garland]
A symbol of beauty, grace, power, authority, and ability

It's not just your character, it's about YOU! Your name should be a reminder to you that your life is supposed to be a CROWN that SHINES! It is a symbol of the beauty and ability, not just physical but internally as well. And that, not from you alone, but from God as well.

      4. Constant Reminder

When two people really care about each other. They will always look for a way to make it work, no matter how hard it is.

      5. Message for women; you deserve to be respected and treated well! 

http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2014/02/06/the-false-myth-about-women/
http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2014/02/03/8-things-happy-couples-dont-do/

Many men treat women so badly in relationships at an early age, they are practically teaching women that that’s what they should expect from all men, and therefore it becomes accepted. Women then continue their pattern into their older ages and keep ending up with men who don’t treat them right.

Women need to stop accepting any sort of negative treatment from anyone in any intimate situation. Staying single and only accepting the love you deserve is always a better decision than settling in a negative relationship you will regret in the future. If a woman is settling for someone who mistreats her then it simply means that she hasn’t realized what she deserves. This comes from within, but she may need some help with her self confidence. She may not have had the most encouraging upbringing. She may not feel she is worthy of better - but that gives you no excuse to perpetuate the notion.

It really is that simple. No woman or man actually wants to be mistreated. Nobody wants to be disrespected, and nobody wants to be discouraged. We all want the same things in relationships – love, acceptance, encouragement, and respect.
If more women would sit down and be ladies, more men would stand up and be gentlemen.

    6. http://www.northpoint.org/messages/white-flag

    7. Random quotes

Life is 10% what you make of it and 90% how you take it.

Never force yourself to have a space in anyone's life because if they really know your worth, they'll surely create one for you.

Respect is earned. Honesty is appreciated. Trust is gained. Loyalty is returned.

One smile can start a friendship

One word can end a fight

One look can start a relationship

One person can change your life

成熟，不是看你的年齡多大，而是看你的肩膀能挑起多重的責任。真正的幸福是一點一點爭取的，是一天一天積累的。不要傷害愛你的人，也不要讓你愛的人受傷害。其實每個人一開始都不懂愛情，與愛人一起經歷一些事情，經歷一些痛苦，才能變得成熟，才會懂得珍惜。

Final Year. Junction.

I was watching The Ming Thing (TMT) on YouTube while I was cleaning my room. Well, I sort of know this guy because he studied in HELP and he is one of Victor's close friends. Out of nowhere, I clicked into this two links The Last Class Ever and First Anniversary of TMT . It made me reflected on my life, particularly University life.

I have tried all these whiles to keep my uni-life wonderful and as colourful as I could. Honestly, I would say I did it during my foundation year as well as year one and two. Now, I am stepping into my final year where I need to focus on my thesis. Unconsciously, I shift attention to thesis and assignment rather than what I did previously. Previously, my aim was to remain my result at B (75-85%) and not to aim any higher, but if I got, I treated it like a bonus. However, in this semester, I am actually aiming for A to the point that I would skipped GB for two months just to complete my assignments (not thesis you know, just assignments only).

One of the things that causes me to behave so is because now I am joining a new gang of friends (well, we were close but now closer more la) where few of them are really high achievers. They want all the group members commit whole-heartedly into that assignment and etc. I felt REALLY BAD when I knew I needed to leave GB for two months because I love GB and that is what I love to do- to educate the new generations. I knew in my heart, this is not what I love but I have to do it because of assignments, and I can foresee it will happen continuously in the coming semesters. In other words, I am getting further from my dream and it actually violated my aim of life - meaningful life is much more important than achievement in exams.

Yesterday I was talking to Victor and he asked me what I plan in future. I could only tell him the general things that I wanted to achieve whereas he could tell me the detailed plan of his. Part of me felt very shameful of myself because I am sort of lost now. I love to do volunteering job OR educating to change the perspectives of the new generation (i.e. how dating life should be, how a girl should behave etc), but I know volunteering job is NOT EARNING MUCH, really, and the other options will be hard. I don't want my life to be like this because year three is supposed to be the final year where I could truly find where I want to stand in future. I actually thought of changing group but I know it gotta be hard. Besides that, I actually thought of utilizing myself to change the perspectives of my friends (well, there is slight improvement now and I am looking to see more). In this year, I stopped all my extra-curricular activities and just left GB yet I am not serving in that setting.

WHAT AM I DOING? 

Focusing on studying? Really? 

Is this what I should do? YES. 

But is this what I want to do? NO!

Hmm, based on the discussion yesterday, I have a draft in my head.

• After graduating (aged 22) - spend half a year or one year to explore different types of volunteering and find my area of passion lies. (Hehe, can travel and serve at the same time).

• 2 years (aged 23-24) - Teach For Malaysia. (this is going to be real though matter)

• Get into career mode - either lecturing and/or getting my master and if possible I would like to serve in GB (because it helps me to shape who I am today) or serving under an NGO setting.

Victor did recommend me to take masters in counseling because he sees the potentials in me and he suggests me to apply my knowledge in counseling into GBM which will result in impacting more girls than helping them one by one. However /i do not think counseling is my field of interest. Moreover, one of my major obstacles is about salary- because money is the basic need to sustain my life as well as my family (when I have in future). I want to become a woman who is financially independent. I want to live on my own. (LOL, I am quite feminist isn't it :p). I could plan all this for my single life but when got into marriage life I not sure how to adjust it though- because got kids and in-laws family. But seriously, I need to do something this year besides the thesis matter. Hmm.....God please give me wisdom and show me the way, what am I supposed to do in my future life. Thank you in Jesus name I pray, Amen.