My Sticky Notes

This is not really a blog post. I am just transferring all the sticky notes on my desktop to here, so that I can still look at them.

1. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.
We numb vulnerability -- when we're waiting for the call.
You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

     2. The Struggle

1. I WILL NOT pretend like I don't know you. I will continue to be as honest and caring towards you, but choosing to focus on our friendship (which means no "dear", "darling", or any physical touching), but I will still talk to you like normal, I won't pretend like you're a stranger...I cannot.
2. Pretending that I'm someone you just met is impossible (you yourself admitted it). It's just running away, and I don't want you to run away from this, but to face it and for both of us to mature and grow from this (if u choose to run away, know that I will chase you, I WONT GIVE UP on you.)
3. If you are willing to be honest with me again, and treat me/talk to me completely honestly, know that it is the best thing you could ever do for me. And I promise you that I will do all I can to make sure that you never "fall" and "lose control" again. If I feel that we're both losing control, I will stop us immediately (we will just take a break, not talk for 10 mins to calm down first). I WILL DO THIS, (I sat down and really thought about this, and I am sure of it). I WILL BE ABLE TO DO THIS, and I'm sure you will be able to. Together, we will grow and mature and learn to better control our feelings.

      3. My Name

Stephy [ crown & garland]
A symbol of beauty, grace, power, authority, and ability

It's not just your character, it's about YOU! Your name should be a reminder to you that your life is supposed to be a CROWN that SHINES! It is a symbol of the beauty and ability, not just physical but internally as well. And that, not from you alone, but from God as well.

      4. Constant Reminder

When two people really care about each other. They will always look for a way to make it work, no matter how hard it is.

      5. Message for women; you deserve to be respected and treated well! 

http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2014/02/06/the-false-myth-about-women/
http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2014/02/03/8-things-happy-couples-dont-do/

Many men treat women so badly in relationships at an early age, they are practically teaching women that that’s what they should expect from all men, and therefore it becomes accepted. Women then continue their pattern into their older ages and keep ending up with men who don’t treat them right.

Women need to stop accepting any sort of negative treatment from anyone in any intimate situation. Staying single and only accepting the love you deserve is always a better decision than settling in a negative relationship you will regret in the future. If a woman is settling for someone who mistreats her then it simply means that she hasn’t realized what she deserves. This comes from within, but she may need some help with her self confidence. She may not have had the most encouraging upbringing. She may not feel she is worthy of better - but that gives you no excuse to perpetuate the notion.

It really is that simple. No woman or man actually wants to be mistreated. Nobody wants to be disrespected, and nobody wants to be discouraged. We all want the same things in relationships – love, acceptance, encouragement, and respect.
If more women would sit down and be ladies, more men would stand up and be gentlemen.

    6. http://www.northpoint.org/messages/white-flag

    7. Random quotes

Life is 10% what you make of it and 90% how you take it.

Never force yourself to have a space in anyone's life because if they really know your worth, they'll surely create one for you.

Respect is earned. Honesty is appreciated. Trust is gained. Loyalty is returned.

One smile can start a friendship

One word can end a fight

One look can start a relationship

One person can change your life

成熟，不是看你的年齡多大，而是看你的肩膀能挑起多重的責任。真正的幸福是一點一點爭取的，是一天一天積累的。不要傷害愛你的人，也不要讓你愛的人受傷害。其實每個人一開始都不懂愛情，與愛人一起經歷一些事情，經歷一些痛苦，才能變得成熟，才會懂得珍惜。

Final Year. Junction.

I was watching The Ming Thing (TMT) on YouTube while I was cleaning my room. Well, I sort of know this guy because he studied in HELP and he is one of Victor's close friends. Out of nowhere, I clicked into this two links The Last Class Ever and First Anniversary of TMT . It made me reflected on my life, particularly University life.

I have tried all these whiles to keep my uni-life wonderful and as colourful as I could. Honestly, I would say I did it during my foundation year as well as year one and two. Now, I am stepping into my final year where I need to focus on my thesis. Unconsciously, I shift attention to thesis and assignment rather than what I did previously. Previously, my aim was to remain my result at B (75-85%) and not to aim any higher, but if I got, I treated it like a bonus. However, in this semester, I am actually aiming for A to the point that I would skipped GB for two months just to complete my assignments (not thesis you know, just assignments only).

One of the things that causes me to behave so is because now I am joining a new gang of friends (well, we were close but now closer more la) where few of them are really high achievers. They want all the group members commit whole-heartedly into that assignment and etc. I felt REALLY BAD when I knew I needed to leave GB for two months because I love GB and that is what I love to do- to educate the new generations. I knew in my heart, this is not what I love but I have to do it because of assignments, and I can foresee it will happen continuously in the coming semesters. In other words, I am getting further from my dream and it actually violated my aim of life - meaningful life is much more important than achievement in exams.

Yesterday I was talking to Victor and he asked me what I plan in future. I could only tell him the general things that I wanted to achieve whereas he could tell me the detailed plan of his. Part of me felt very shameful of myself because I am sort of lost now. I love to do volunteering job OR educating to change the perspectives of the new generation (i.e. how dating life should be, how a girl should behave etc), but I know volunteering job is NOT EARNING MUCH, really, and the other options will be hard. I don't want my life to be like this because year three is supposed to be the final year where I could truly find where I want to stand in future. I actually thought of changing group but I know it gotta be hard. Besides that, I actually thought of utilizing myself to change the perspectives of my friends (well, there is slight improvement now and I am looking to see more). In this year, I stopped all my extra-curricular activities and just left GB yet I am not serving in that setting.

WHAT AM I DOING? 

Focusing on studying? Really? 

Is this what I should do? YES. 

But is this what I want to do? NO!

Hmm, based on the discussion yesterday, I have a draft in my head.

• After graduating (aged 22) - spend half a year or one year to explore different types of volunteering and find my area of passion lies. (Hehe, can travel and serve at the same time).

• 2 years (aged 23-24) - Teach For Malaysia. (this is going to be real though matter)

• Get into career mode - either lecturing and/or getting my master and if possible I would like to serve in GB (because it helps me to shape who I am today) or serving under an NGO setting.

Victor did recommend me to take masters in counseling because he sees the potentials in me and he suggests me to apply my knowledge in counseling into GBM which will result in impacting more girls than helping them one by one. However /i do not think counseling is my field of interest. Moreover, one of my major obstacles is about salary- because money is the basic need to sustain my life as well as my family (when I have in future). I want to become a woman who is financially independent. I want to live on my own. (LOL, I am quite feminist isn't it :p). I could plan all this for my single life but when got into marriage life I not sure how to adjust it though- because got kids and in-laws family. But seriously, I need to do something this year besides the thesis matter. Hmm.....God please give me wisdom and show me the way, what am I supposed to do in my future life. Thank you in Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Him Again!

Hi, I am back! Well, after months :p
I was writing for my film blog (course requirement) and it reminded me that I HAVE ABANDONED MY BLOG FOR SUCH A LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG TIME! *shake head*
Well, after knowing him, Victor Goh, my post is all about him lol. 

And I am going to post about him again! XD

He told me that he is considering to serve in St. Gabriel Church. I am very happy when I heard of that because he finally knew what he wants and he wants to make effort to pull me closer to God. When I told my officer about this, she is very happy as well and she says "if he comes to serve in SGC, you will be coming also lor. :) That will be nice!" Well, I am really looking forward towards it because all these whiles I really wish to attend church service but I am worry for my parents particularly my mom who is slightly against Christianity. Thanks to Victor who proves and shows her how a good Christian is. She accepted him as a christian now and actually sayang him more than me lol. XD I thank God for this man who would hold my hand and pray before meal, who would pray with me when I/we have issues, who would answer my questions about my doubts on Christianity, who would lead me closer to God, and who would show me and my family how a true Christian and true gentleman should be. My mom even said :" I wish Onn Shin would learn from Victor."

It makes me wonder why the married couples or cold couples always say :" ..... makes me fell in love again!" Whenever I listen to that line I think that it is just a cheezy lines to make the drama looks better or what. Just now I was listening to the theme song from OnCall 1 and 2 as well as some TVB drama songs, it makes me feel like I am falling in love with him again. :) It actually does happen! Sometimes, I wonder if we really look alike because people always say we either look like siblings or husband-wife. I find it cute when one day we went to cut hair. The wash hair guy attempted to guess how long we have coupled. Initially he said :" ermmm 2 years.....but nonono, just now you both so sweet and lovely, should be just started one month." LOL XD Well, a lot of people say we look like couple for a long time yet we look sweet at the same time (I take it as a compliment). I pray and wish we will remain this sweet for the rest of our lives :) Even when we grow old together. God, thank you for giving us chances as well as guiding us towards a Godly relationship that You wanted us to be. Thanks for leading us to go across so many challenges together, well we know there are more in future and we pray You will continue be our leader, our guidance and lead us through all the obstacles. Amen! 

A New Journey

God has a plan for everyone, for real. Before He gives you the best, He will put you in situation where you might need to go through pains and suffers so that you will truly appreciate your greatest gift from Him. Last year, God allowed me to meet a man, Victor and He put us into lots challenges before we coupled as He wanted us to truly know what we want and what is love. Because of all these ups and downs, it brought us together and he showed me what LOVE is. Even though I had been in relationship before, my understanding towards love wasn't enough. Victor really set me the example and standard of what it means by love because God loves him. I gotta thank God for answering my prayer. He not only answered my prayer, but also gave me more and better that what I prayed for. 

My prayer was:
1. Lord, I want to be close to you but I don't know how. Please guide me.

2. Lord, I pray to get a man who truly loves me and will not abandon me no matter what.

3. Lord, I pray that my future man's first kiss is still with him. (because I find it very disgusting if he kisses someone else before, and I still have my first kiss)

God not only gave me what I prayed for, He combined all my prayer in one. He also gave me more- I am Victor's first girlfriend. Of course, we are praying we are each other's last partner and we will work towards it. His family is a very fun family and all of them welcome me a lot. Even we just coupled half a year now, they already treat me like their family member (daughter-in-law). His grandmas will complaint about each other in front of me, where I need to be the middle person. His mom will scold him through me and a lot of things. His dad knows I love to run and he bought me a pair of Adidas running shoes. God is really good to me. Really good! 

Stepping into relationship is always a serious matter for me, especially at this age. I want to seek for a life partner rather than a partner so. People say relationship is not a matter between two people but two families. I thank God for this family and I also try to be close with them as well. At the same time, he also put effort in getting closer to my family. As this is new to us, we are facing the problem of time where we need to split the time among my family, his family, us, studies/work, and personal time. We had bit hard time fixing about this because he is the only son and I am the only daughter. Although it is slightly hard, it is getting better in this semester just the fact that he is working time so we need to reschedule everything. We pray for God for His guidance in guiding us into solving this problem. 

A lot of people might think that why do you guys need to do so much? just couple only what, why need to go each other house every week as if you guys are married? Well, we realised that problems that we met before and now, are problems that lots couples are facing when they are in their third year or more. Whereas this issue of time managing between families is usually problem that couples face after they get married. Hence, we take this as a training before we step into a different stage of life. Thank God for bringing Victor Goh into my life, may You always be our guide throughout our relationship.

Hereby, I attach the song "Marriage Prayer". This song really touches my heart, tears drop every time I hear it.

His Plan

God is really amazing. He not only shows me His presence, but also shows me how He answers one's prayer and how He makes things work. I thought I will never meet a guy who understand me as much as my ex did. In fact, I found a real man who not only understands me so deeply, loves me as who I am, waits me until I get ready, grows me to become a better person, pampers me more than my dad does, and honors me as female (despite spiritual or physical). I am soooooo lucky and blessed. REALLY! People always think that we are couple, but we are not (yet) as I am not ready for a relationship. So now, he is currently my best friend or slightly more than best friend?? Haha. I thank God for showing His love to us and wanting the best in us- to have a good start and end it well. Through him, I understand Him more and better. Well, it takes time but I am glad that I meet a man who is willing to wait for me to get ready before I give any promises. May God continue be our guide in this relationship and pray that it goes well no matter how hard the situation is. Amen.

On the other hand, I always pray for my little friend who is seeking for her love but she has been hurt quite some times and now she becomes slight flirty than she used to be last time. To me, I really wish her to realise that that's not the way to get into a relationship. Even though you flirt with the man, there is high chance that the man is not a good/ real man because good real man does not like flirty woman neither. In another words, there is a high chance that the man you attract is a jerk which may lead you to the bad cycle again (cheat on you, break your heart, and break up with you). I REALLY DO NOT WISH THAT HAPPEN ON YOU ANYMORE. I am praying each day that you will find a man who understand your pain and hurt behinds your flirting action, help to heal your wound, and love you as much as he could. I really pray for that, I cannot bear seeing you hurting anymore and stuck in the same cycle again; I pray to BREAK the bad cycle happening on you. But before that, you should change yourself to notice that you are a worthy girl :) Don't devalue yourself just because you think that there is no guy out there reaching for you. Remember, good things (man) worth waiting. God has the best plan for you, and all you need to do is to put your FULL trust on Him. I say this because I experience it. God loves me and God loves you as well. :)

Again, I shall say, good things (man/woman) are worth waiting for.